Ogre

I feel like I have this love hate relationship with online dating. It's so accessible and easy. One strategically taken photo, a quick bio - answer some questions - and bam there I am instantly connected. Connected to all the divorced, dead beat, unemployed, small brained, even smaller dicked under achieving men who live within a 50 mile radius of me. Are there no quality men in the greater Los Angeles area? Am I setting the bar too high? It's got to be the first one.

I went on my umpteath horrible date. Men in LA never cease to amaze me. I allowed this manchild, who I will fondley refer to as Ogre, pursue me against my better judgement. First read light - recently seperated. But i thought - hey everyone deserves a second chance at love, right? Second red flag - lives right next door to his parents. Third red flag - admits to going through with drawls from detoxing off of pain pills. I really need to get better at recognizing these red flags pre date next time.

The first meeting was like not being able to change the channel quick enough during the embarassing American Idol auditions where someone told the singer that they were actually good at one point, but in reality they sound like a pig weasel. Just thinking about it causes the hair on my neck to stand up with embarassment.

I walk into the house and its the most broke down hooptie of condo that i have ever seen. I would never allow myself to have company in a place like this. He offers me a bowl and I quickly accept. Maybe the weed will make this situation better? Wrong. Ogre is dripping with sweat - from the pain pill with drawls. Within minutes of being there he removes his shirt exposing his man sweat drenched man boobies. It took everything in my will power not to scream out Bob has Bitch Tits! at the top of my lungs.

I sat on the opposite end of the couch as far away as possible. Ogre asked me to be his girlfriend with in exactly 15 minutes of meeting me. Desperate, much? Ogre also suffered from a horrible case of mouth dirahhea. In our brief 60 minute "date" he told me how he lost his virginity to his boss's girlfriend, the fact that he had two past girlfriends who had abortions, that he think he might have an alcohol problem and that he hasn't had sex is over a year. WHERE DO I SIGN UP??? ahahaha.

I just wonder about the common sense of these men. Wouldn't you do whatever it took to keep these things to yourself instead of divulging this unflattering information on the first date? I sure as fuck would.

I tip my hat and say thank you, Ogre for making me see things things in 60 minutes in stead of 6 dates. :)