Ogre

I feel like I have this love hate relationship with online dating. It's so accessible and easy. One strategically taken photo, a quick bio - answer some questions - and bam there I am instantly connected. Connected to all the divorced, dead beat, unemployed, small brained, even smaller dicked under achieving men who live within a 50 mile radius of me. Are there no quality men in the greater Los Angeles area? Am I setting the bar too high? It's got to be the first one.

I went on my umpteath horrible date. Men in LA never cease to amaze me. I allowed this manchild, who I will fondley refer to as Ogre, pursue me against my better judgement. First read light - recently seperated. But i thought - hey everyone deserves a second chance at love, right? Second red flag - lives right next door to his parents. Third red flag - admits to going through with drawls from detoxing off of pain pills. I really need to get better at recognizing these red flags pre date next time.

The first meeting was like not being able to change the channel quick enough during the embarassing American Idol auditions where someone told the singer that they were actually good at one point, but in reality they sound like a pig weasel. Just thinking about it causes the hair on my neck to stand up with embarassment.

I walk into the house and its the most broke down hooptie of condo that i have ever seen. I would never allow myself to have company in a place like this. He offers me a bowl and I quickly accept. Maybe the weed will make this situation better? Wrong. Ogre is dripping with sweat - from the pain pill with drawls. Within minutes of being there he removes his shirt exposing his man sweat drenched man boobies. It took everything in my will power not to scream out Bob has Bitch Tits! at the top of my lungs.

I sat on the opposite end of the couch as far away as possible. Ogre asked me to be his girlfriend with in exactly 15 minutes of meeting me. Desperate, much? Ogre also suffered from a horrible case of mouth dirahhea. In our brief 60 minute "date" he told me how he lost his virginity to his boss's girlfriend, the fact that he had two past girlfriends who had abortions, that he think he might have an alcohol problem and that he hasn't had sex is over a year. WHERE DO I SIGN UP??? ahahaha.

I just wonder about the common sense of these men. Wouldn't you do whatever it took to keep these things to yourself instead of divulging this unflattering information on the first date? I sure as fuck would.

I tip my hat and say thank you, Ogre for making me see things things in 60 minutes in stead of 6 dates. :)

what a pussy.

Tried another match.com date. This one takes the cake so far. I have been talking to this guy for a few weeks. Ivan... is a 35 year old Persian Jew who owns his own business and lives in beverly hills. He is tall and attractive and drives a silver bmw. So, of course my gold digging bells went off in full force. :)

We had planned to meet for some coffee or tea and have some conversation, which sounded like a good plan for a first "get to know you date." I decided that it would be nice to get out of the valley for an evening and check out B hills. Of course, I get lost and he offers to come meet me.

A sexy guy wearing a long sleeved black dress shirt in his hot car pulls up and i get in. This is where things start to go wrong...

Approximately one minute after being in his car I feel his hand on the back of my head, feeling my hair. "Oh no extensions," he says. I laugh and assure him that this head of lovely, thank-you-for-my-country-music-award hair is all mine.

We continue to drive towards hollywood. I ask him where we are going and he tells me in his sexy foreign accent "A make out spot." I laugh it off and ask were we are going to get our cup of coffee. "No, really. i take you to great spot - amazing view." I feel safe and so i agree.

We get to this place and it IS gorgeous. The view of the city was the best part about this date. At first I thought, gee this is romantic. What a great way to start a date. Except for that was the whole date.

At the make out spot he proceeds to kiss me, which i consent to (you know, hot jewish money and all) and then continues to put his hands all the way down the back of my pants and says "nice ass." I remove his hands from my jeans, thank him for the compliment and tell him that he at least needs to buy me dinner before becoming so intimate with my lady lumps.

We get back into the car and drive. I realize that we are driving in the direction of my car.

Before getting there he mentions the fact that I have a cat and reminds me how allergic he is to them. He starts to have a stuffy nose and says that he can tell i have a cat by my clothes (which is complete and udder bullshit) Ivan tells me that I will never find a man having a cat because - according to him - 90% of men are allergic to them.

I was so taken aback by this that i had no idea what to say. So i just sat there with a confused look on my face. I was never so happy to have a date be cut short. If only I hadn't spent more time getting ready for the date than I did actually being on it.

Ivan must get a lot of play up there at the make out spot. He texted me later to tell me that I am a sweet and beautiful girl - but that he couldn't get past the cat issue.

Some men are such PUSSIES.

How did people date before the internet?

Dating. Oy. Where does a curvy girl like me fit in the dating world? I'm not quite sure but I am having a hell of a ride finding out. Per my mothers coaxing i decided to join a dating site. WASTE OF MONEY. Really regretting buying the 3 month membership instead of the 1 month. I stumbled upon a free site that poses more fun.

But, honestly...I feel like I am left with very little outlets of how to meet people. Church? Bars? Starbucks? Gym? Work? Pottery Class? Negative.
Here is a collection of my internet men...so far.

Lets see - there was Kurt the nerdy church going, small dicked PA. I really tried to like him,but I realized that I didn't owe him anything. Realizing this felt really good inside. Especially after he told me he hated my cat - buh bye.

Oh then there was Steven. Steven looked a little bit too much like Julia Roberts and was a really bad kisser (you know, the kind where you have to wipe your face off because they couldn't keep their tongue in their own mouth or yours) - so i decided that I was grateful for my chai tea latte that he purchased me and went on my way.

Then comes my pretty little boy toy, Noah. I wasn't sure about Noah at first. He's 21 and very young. But, damn is the boy gorgeous. We talked online for a few days and decided to meet up. Lucky for me he likes some meat on his women and sexual sparks ignited the first night we met. Noah is about 6'3, with bronzed skin which compliments his black hair and pools of brown he has for eyes. The best part is - he has a huge dick! HUGE! And he can last for days.

I like Noah - we are very upfront with what our relationship is based off of - smoking weed, drinking beers and fucking. Neither of us expect any more or any less from each other, but he still maintains respect.
Sometimes I wonder if i will get tired of a purely sexual relationship. But, I am going to enjoy it in the mean time.

I went out with some other men - who aren't even worth mentioning by name. One was a short, troll looking jewish hobbit of a man. He was shaky and spent the whole time name dropping and talking about himself. I used my old feeble crazy Jewish Nana as a way to escape that disaster.

Rise, my love. Rise from the ashes

The universe has its own divine plan and sometimes we have to get knocked on our asses in order for it to live out its path. Well, the universe knocked me on my ass about a month ago. On May 25th my boyfriend, we will call him Aaron, decided to leave me. Wait... lets back up a little bit. Aaron was the first "man", I use that term loosely because Aaron was more like a manchild or even maninfant than he was a man, that loved me. He was the first man who was able to spin his words to make me feel worthy of having someone to call mine and for him to call me his.

Aaron was really good at words - he knew exactly what to say to make me feel like I was the sun that gave his universe life. It was the action part that was his pitfall. Aaron and I were 22 when we met in person. We had met each other online years before - which only helped the facade of genuine love move forward. Aaron was a father to a 2 year old daughter when we met. He told me how important fatherhood was to him, yet he rarely saw her. This should have been the first of many red flags, but I had my rose colored blinders on. Aaron was an unemployed, uneducated, homeless stoner who talked me into believing that God had dealt him a bad hand of cards of which he had no control over. He had no driver's license, no ambition and nothing to offer.

I had feeling of doubt early on - but I decided to push it back to the corners of my mind in a neat cardboard box labeled "he loves me, the rest doesn't matter." Aaron was unemployed for 2 of the 2 1/2 years we were together. He always had a reason for not accomplishing anything and I always allowed him to keep producing new ones. I moved out of my parents home to live with him and support him. I did everything short of wiping his ass for him.

I was unhappy for a long time - but I had this magic way of convincing myself i wasn't. Just like the 'calories don't count during the holidays' line of thinking. I always wanted sex, Aaron never did. I started to self medicate with more weed than imaginable to become numb to my disappointment in my relationship. We fought more than we got along. The animosity toward him would fester in my heart and i would think of the most hurtful way to incorporate nasty words that made FUCK feel safe.

When he left my heart disintegrated into a million little pieces of ash and he blew them away, letting pieces of me spread all over my solitary apartment. I had never felt so close to dieing before. I felt like he had ripped out my heart and shaped it into a square and then tried to fit it into a heart shaped hole. It wouldn't fit anymore. This was the first time in my life that I felt like death would be a good alternative to this feeling.

I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't let an hour of the day go by without crying. I wrapped myself up in my own misery for about a week. I thought Aaron got off easy - he got to leave behind all of our memories when he left. He got to leave me behind. I had to stay int he same apartment that wreaked of him no matter where I went. It wasn't until I made my apartment MINE that my heart started to mold back into its original shape.

I kept telling myself over and over again that I will be okay. I wrote that phrase down on a piece of paper 241 times just to make it real. Today is June 27th. I woke up today and realized I am going to be more than okay. I am going to shine. I am going to radiate me. I AM OKAY.