Ogre

I feel like I have this love hate relationship with online dating. It's so accessible and easy. One strategically taken photo, a quick bio - answer some questions - and bam there I am instantly connected. Connected to all the divorced, dead beat, unemployed, small brained, even smaller dicked under achieving men who live within a 50 mile radius of me. Are there no quality men in the greater Los Angeles area? Am I setting the bar too high? It's got to be the first one.

I went on my umpteath horrible date. Men in LA never cease to amaze me. I allowed this manchild, who I will fondley refer to as Ogre, pursue me against my better judgement. First read light - recently seperated. But i thought - hey everyone deserves a second chance at love, right? Second red flag - lives right next door to his parents. Third red flag - admits to going through with drawls from detoxing off of pain pills. I really need to get better at recognizing these red flags pre date next time.

The first meeting was like not being able to change the channel quick enough during the embarassing American Idol auditions where someone told the singer that they were actually good at one point, but in reality they sound like a pig weasel. Just thinking about it causes the hair on my neck to stand up with embarassment.

I walk into the house and its the most broke down hooptie of condo that i have ever seen. I would never allow myself to have company in a place like this. He offers me a bowl and I quickly accept. Maybe the weed will make this situation better? Wrong. Ogre is dripping with sweat - from the pain pill with drawls. Within minutes of being there he removes his shirt exposing his man sweat drenched man boobies. It took everything in my will power not to scream out Bob has Bitch Tits! at the top of my lungs.

I sat on the opposite end of the couch as far away as possible. Ogre asked me to be his girlfriend with in exactly 15 minutes of meeting me. Desperate, much? Ogre also suffered from a horrible case of mouth dirahhea. In our brief 60 minute "date" he told me how he lost his virginity to his boss's girlfriend, the fact that he had two past girlfriends who had abortions, that he think he might have an alcohol problem and that he hasn't had sex is over a year. WHERE DO I SIGN UP??? ahahaha.

I just wonder about the common sense of these men. Wouldn't you do whatever it took to keep these things to yourself instead of divulging this unflattering information on the first date? I sure as fuck would.

I tip my hat and say thank you, Ogre for making me see things things in 60 minutes in stead of 6 dates. :)

what a pussy.

Tried another match.com date. This one takes the cake so far. I have been talking to this guy for a few weeks. Ivan... is a 35 year old Persian Jew who owns his own business and lives in beverly hills. He is tall and attractive and drives a silver bmw. So, of course my gold digging bells went off in full force. :)

We had planned to meet for some coffee or tea and have some conversation, which sounded like a good plan for a first "get to know you date." I decided that it would be nice to get out of the valley for an evening and check out B hills. Of course, I get lost and he offers to come meet me.

A sexy guy wearing a long sleeved black dress shirt in his hot car pulls up and i get in. This is where things start to go wrong...

Approximately one minute after being in his car I feel his hand on the back of my head, feeling my hair. "Oh no extensions," he says. I laugh and assure him that this head of lovely, thank-you-for-my-country-music-award hair is all mine.

We continue to drive towards hollywood. I ask him where we are going and he tells me in his sexy foreign accent "A make out spot." I laugh it off and ask were we are going to get our cup of coffee. "No, really. i take you to great spot - amazing view." I feel safe and so i agree.

We get to this place and it IS gorgeous. The view of the city was the best part about this date. At first I thought, gee this is romantic. What a great way to start a date. Except for that was the whole date.

At the make out spot he proceeds to kiss me, which i consent to (you know, hot jewish money and all) and then continues to put his hands all the way down the back of my pants and says "nice ass." I remove his hands from my jeans, thank him for the compliment and tell him that he at least needs to buy me dinner before becoming so intimate with my lady lumps.

We get back into the car and drive. I realize that we are driving in the direction of my car.

Before getting there he mentions the fact that I have a cat and reminds me how allergic he is to them. He starts to have a stuffy nose and says that he can tell i have a cat by my clothes (which is complete and udder bullshit) Ivan tells me that I will never find a man having a cat because - according to him - 90% of men are allergic to them.

I was so taken aback by this that i had no idea what to say. So i just sat there with a confused look on my face. I was never so happy to have a date be cut short. If only I hadn't spent more time getting ready for the date than I did actually being on it.

Ivan must get a lot of play up there at the make out spot. He texted me later to tell me that I am a sweet and beautiful girl - but that he couldn't get past the cat issue.

Some men are such PUSSIES.