The universe has its own divine plan and sometimes we have to get knocked on our asses in order for it to live out its path. Well, the universe knocked me on my ass about a month ago. On May 25th my boyfriend, we will call him Aaron, decided to leave me. Wait... lets back up a little bit. Aaron was the first "man", I use that term loosely because Aaron was more like a manchild or even maninfant than he was a man, that loved me. He was the first man who was able to spin his words to make me feel worthy of having someone to call mine and for him to call me his.
Aaron was really good at words - he knew exactly what to say to make me feel like I was the sun that gave his universe life. It was the action part that was his pitfall. Aaron and I were 22 when we met in person. We had met each other online years before - which only helped the facade of genuine love move forward. Aaron was a father to a 2 year old daughter when we met. He told me how important fatherhood was to him, yet he rarely saw her. This should have been the first of many red flags, but I had my rose colored blinders on. Aaron was an unemployed, uneducated, homeless stoner who talked me into believing that God had dealt him a bad hand of cards of which he had no control over. He had no driver's license, no ambition and nothing to offer.
I had feeling of doubt early on - but I decided to push it back to the corners of my mind in a neat cardboard box labeled "he loves me, the rest doesn't matter." Aaron was unemployed for 2 of the 2 1/2 years we were together. He always had a reason for not accomplishing anything and I always allowed him to keep producing new ones. I moved out of my parents home to live with him and support him. I did everything short of wiping his ass for him.
I was unhappy for a long time - but I had this magic way of convincing myself i wasn't. Just like the 'calories don't count during the holidays' line of thinking. I always wanted sex, Aaron never did. I started to self medicate with more weed than imaginable to become numb to my disappointment in my relationship. We fought more than we got along. The animosity toward him would fester in my heart and i would think of the most hurtful way to incorporate nasty words that made FUCK feel safe.
When he left my heart disintegrated into a million little pieces of ash and he blew them away, letting pieces of me spread all over my solitary apartment. I had never felt so close to dieing before. I felt like he had ripped out my heart and shaped it into a square and then tried to fit it into a heart shaped hole. It wouldn't fit anymore. This was the first time in my life that I felt like death would be a good alternative to this feeling.
I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't let an hour of the day go by without crying. I wrapped myself up in my own misery for about a week. I thought Aaron got off easy - he got to leave behind all of our memories when he left. He got to leave me behind. I had to stay int he same apartment that wreaked of him no matter where I went. It wasn't until I made my apartment MINE that my heart started to mold back into its original shape.
I kept telling myself over and over again that I will be okay. I wrote that phrase down on a piece of paper 241 times just to make it real. Today is June 27th. I woke up today and realized I am going to be more than okay. I am going to shine. I am going to radiate me. I AM OKAY.
